Monday, January 7, 2008

Mexico Exercise Plan

Several people have commented about the fact that I lost those last five pounds since moving here. I should clarify that by letting you know I gained ten pounds before I realized that eating 18 tortillas a day will do something to your figure. And by something, I don't mean anything good. Once I started the tortilla ration my body went back to normal, but I still had those persistent five pounds.

If you really want to shed those extra pounds, follow my step-by-step plan and watch the inches melt away!

Condo on the fourth floor
Sunglasses & sunscreen

Walk to market (roughly 1/4 mile away); be sure to side-step all the tourists and random children for extra work on your hips

BONUS - Go at noon when the sun is at its highest and there's no chance of walking in the shade. You burn extra calories with the extra sweat.

As you peruse the produce, don't set anything down. By holding everything you work out your arms, wrists & fingers. This gets tricky when you're trying to pay, but no one said losing weight was easy.

While walking between various vendors, hold your increasingly heavy bags at waist height. This helps build both your biceps and triceps, staving off the arm waggle for another couple years. It also keeps you from decapitating small children.

NOTE - If you hesitate at all, people will cut you off. Look forward like you know where you're going, even if you can't tell a poblano from a jalapeƱo.

If this is too easy, torch extra calories by heading to the meat vendors. By mid-morning the floor is slick with water, blood, and other various liquids, and you'll really work your leg muscles as you try to stay vertical. This will also work your abs since you should still be holding your bags at waist level; all that twisting does wonders!

You'll most likely remember one last thing when you're heading towards the exit, but don't despair - it's already worked into the exercise plan. Circle the vendors one last time with a smile for all the workers.

Final Push
I hope you ate your Wheaties because the hardest part is next. Your arms may feel a little shaky and the sweat is starting to run down your back, but you still have to get home. By now the sun has shifted enough that one side of the street is shady; walk on that side. No need to be a hero.

Technique & form should be thrown out the window by this point. JUST GET HOME. If you brought water, drink some. Ignore the strange looks from the locals - you know what you're doing. Remember to watch for traffic as you cross the street (damn traffic circles) and if they don't stop for you, droop your arms closer to the ground and try to look really pitiful. Nod your head at the kind soul who lets you pass and keep walking - you're almost there!

Now for the butt muscles - you thought we forgot about those, didn't you? The last block is uphill and the shade that protected you in town has mysteriously vanished. The bigger the stride the more you tone the lower half - stretch those legs!

Take a deep breath when you round the corner, it's time for the final push. The stairs.

There's no turning back now. Keep breathing as you force your quivering legs to move forward. Ignore the pain from the plastic bags cutting into your fingers, only two flights left!

Three, two, one... you did it! Drop the bags and unlock the front door. Arms won't work? Don't worry, just shake them a little and the blood will start flowing in a moment. Once the door is open, resist the urge to kick the bags. Pick them up and carry them to the kitchen - the floor is fine, besides your arms won't be able to lift them to the counter anyway.

Cool down
If there's anything dairy, put it in the fridge and stick your head in with it. Drink water straight from the pitcher until your heart rate returns to normal, then collapse on the closest cushy surface.

You're done when you've stopped sweating.

Congratulations! Repeat this at least three times per week, and combined with running several mornings per week and taking countless trips up and down the stairs, you'll have a slimmer, more toned body in just one month!


Turkey said...

Oooh! Thanks for the workout tips!

Jenn Hollowell said...

I think that might kill me. ;)

Melanie Avila said...

I'm tempted to post a picture of my guns to show how it really works. My shoulders rock!

Arachne Jericho said...

I think that might kill me too.

But what doesn't kill you makes you thinner :)

Catherine J Gardner / Phoenix Rendell said...

CONGRATS - I'm working on losing the first five. LOL.

Voyager said...

You are freaking hilarious, girl. Yay, no bingo wings for two more years, woohoo!