Friday, April 10, 2009

Flash Fiction Friday

Once again, I'm posting my piece for the Flash Fiction Carnival group I belong to. Our prompt this month is FOOL. Please leave any critiques or suggestions in the comments!

ETA: I modified the one line that several people mentioned in the comments.

This piece was accepted for publication in Flashquake. I will post a link once it's up.

31 comments:

Dear Ole Dad said...

Nice Story the kind I should be telling future little grandkids!

A Synchronistic Catalyst said...

That was really sweet!

A very nice take on "fool's gold" - much more cheerful than the old Little House on the Prairie episode where Laura and her friend found some in the river.

I loved Grandfather's story!

spyscribbler said...

Hah! I love it, Melanie! :-) That is so sweet.

And funny reminder about Little House. I remember that episode!

Nadine said...

Great story! Although I did laugh when she said she was sparkly (I thought of twilight).

My only suggestion is for this part: sending them all to the bottom of the bay.

I didn't know if you meant all the people, all the bars, or the whole boat. Maybe change it to the whole boat, or something like that. Cause I immediately envisioned all the bars scattered along the bottom, so I was surprised when the trunk was found.

It's a great story!!

Penguin said...

I agree with Nadine, I thought all the bars got scattered.

Great story thought.

Melanie Avila said...

ASC, this was based on a beach that we were actually just at today. There's lots of minerals in the sand and it really does sparkle.

Melanie Avila said...

Gary, does that mean you like it?

Melanie Avila said...

Thanks Spy! I remember very little about LHOTP...

Melanie Avila said...

Nadine, you know that's where the sparkly came from, lol. I couldn't help myself. :)

That's a good point about sending everything to the bottom. I meant the people, ship, and gold, but I see that I didn't make that clear enough.

Melanie Avila said...

Thanks Penguin!

Janna Qualman said...

I LOVE it. And that's all I have to say about that. ;) Very good, hoo.

Melanie Avila said...

Thanks Janna. :)

Jen said...

Mel, I really liked this! The only thing I would have nitpicked was about the bars of gold, too.

I can see a lot of little kids eating up a story like that, lol.

Pamela said...

I love this story! Fool's gold and an old man's tall tale... The interactions between the characters, the father and daughter and grandfather/granddaughter,felt very real, a peaceful summer family afternoon. I remember sand, with bits of mica, that sparkled in the streams of my childhood in MD. It was magical, and you conveyed that in the person of that little child.

Melanie Avila said...

Thanks Jen. I went ahead and fixed that line. :)

Melanie Avila said...

Thanks Pamela!

quez said...

I LOVE flights of fancy and this drew me in immediately. I grinned at the grandfather's mischief and felt the girl's anticipation. Very nicely done. :-)

Robin said...

Totally adorable! It made me smile, and want to tell the new babies in my family a sweet story. (Adam and my brothers have new babies. Not me. Yeesh. Thought that needed some clarification.)

Aimless Writer said...

Love it. The wonder of the child shows through. I miss those days when all things seemed possible. Great story.

Melanie Avila said...

Thanks quez & Aimless. :)

Robin, I knew that, but I understand wanting to clarify. :P

Bailey said...

Nice take on the "fool's gold" interpretation and the innocence of childhood. You really captured the idea well in these characters.

Well done!

Anonymous said...

This is a great young adult story.
Full of imagery and imagination. I was drawn in.

Jeanette Cheezum

Melanie Avila said...

Thanks Bailey & Jeanette. Now if I can just figure out what market to send this to...

katfrass said...

Oh WOW!! Not only is it a great story.. but this is some great writing! It flows beautifully and I was drawn right into the story.

I laughed with the mom "tilting her chin up from her book....". That is SUCH a universal mom move.

The characters were all VERY believable.

Love it.. love it. love it.. :-)

Melanie Avila said...

Thanks Kat! It's nice to hear you say that about the mom. Since I don't have kids, that was purely an observation. :)

EMC07 said...

Great story. I could see Alicia waiting for the next part of his story. Nice vivid detail. The mom seemed very authentic. Aw. I miss my grandpa... Awesome Job!

Melanie Avila said...

Thanks EMC! I miss my grampa too. :(

Terry said...

Excellent story. I laughed aloud right at the beginning when it said the kid had been digging a hole but quit when she noticed the sand. For some reason that tickled my funny-bone. What most impressed me about this story was the natural flow of story and dialogue and description. It wasn't so much that I was reading a story as I was watching a scene in person. Good job.

PS. The CAPTCHA below this comment screen is 'brablet'. I challenge you to incorporate that into your next story...lol

Melanie Avila said...

Thank you Terry. That was one of my favorite lines. :P

That's funny you mentioned incorporating the word verification into a story because Nadine (above) and I play scrabble a lot and talked about trying to write a story with the words that we use on the board.

Virginia Lee said...

LOVE!

My Grandpere was very like the grandfather in this story and when I was a little girl I adored hearing the stories he'd tell. I have long loved stories within stories but mamy writers never get the hang of such. You do.

I completely believe the characters and the situation. If I had to find something to nitpick about, I'm not sure I could do it.

I read it to Miss M, btw, and she loved it too. :)

Well done!

Melanie Avila said...

Thanks Virigina. :)