Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Another Peek

I may be asking for trouble here, but while reading my wip last night I came across this passage and had to share. I think it may be my favorite.

Becca and Justin are seventeen-year old next-door neighbors and she's still freaking out from the attack that I posted on Monday. She has a hard time getting close to him and the past couple times he's tried to kiss her she panicked.

"It's okay," she whispered, and he kissed her. Heat flooded through her and she tightened her grip on his hand. He didn't put his arms around her like he normally did, so she rested her other hand in the crook of his arm and traced his bicep with her fingers. Their lips parted and he pressed harder. Justin's free hand found her thigh and she moved closer, her senses spinning out of control. Something in the back corner of her mind watched over her, waiting for the fear to come. She tried to lose herself in the softness of his lips, in the sigh that came from deep in his throat and mingled with her breath, but the fear wiggled in, a pinprick of light that grew brighter and brighter until her body tensed and sweat trickled down her back. The light blinded her, squeezing her lungs until she thought she might die right there in Justin's arms. But she refused to give in. She loved Justin and couldn't bear to hurt him, to make him feel like he had to pay for his father's sins. She broke away from the kiss and smiled, pretending her chest wasn't about to explode.


Hmm, that's a little steamier than I realized. I also just realized that I'm two for two with sweat trickling down the person's back. I swear this doesn't happen that often.

Again, feel free to leave comments. Now pardon me while I get all smooshy inside.

12 comments:

JLC said...

This was great! I loved how you described the fear growing within her. You took me out of the scene for only a moment when you stopped to explain that he wasn't embracing her which was why she could trace his arm with her fingers. I was already imagining him NOT embracing her because you didn't say "he embraced her and kissed her." So I think you could delete the "he wasn't embracing her" line and the imagery would still be great.

Overall a very powerful paragraph and I think you hit the nail on the head with her internal struggle. I have a very close friend who was molested during her childhood and she is still carrying those fears into her relationship with her husband. Its a nightmare that never goes away.

Awesome paragraph!

Melanie Avila said...

Thanks JLC. I can only imagine that torment. I almost wrote I can't imagine it, but clearly I have.

I included that bit because there was another scene where he tried to embrace her and she freaked out, so I wanted to show that he's trying to make it easy for her. I can see how that pulls you out though.

Janna Qualman said...

Such conflict! For both of them! Yowsa. *fans self*

*gasp!* My WV is hooers! Love.it.

gypsyscarlett said...

You did a great job describing the mix of emotions the girl is going through. Very believable.

Melanie Avila said...

Heh, thanks Janna.

Gypsy, thanks for saying that. I've certainly panicked before and that's how it is for me...

Natasha Fondren said...

Aww! Becca and Justin's story is the one that really hooked me, and I love this.

And, ohmigawd, you made me cry. Scrunch up my face crying. You nailed it. I can't tell you how many times I've worked really hard and done the mental struggle you described because I loved someone and I really wanted to enjoy their touch, but something in me was recoiling at the same time. This is just awesome, Melanie, totally true and real.

And also the sweet love... do you read much YA? Maybe you could experiment with it some time. I think you'd kick ass at it.

ElanaJ said...

Wow, I really liked that! Great job!

Melanie Avila said...

Natasha, I keep thinking about writing YA, I'm just waiting for the right story to find me. My next novel will be another women's fiction.

Thanks Elana.

Robin said...

That was wonderful - poignant, sad and disturbing. I'll read every book you write, but you better not keep upsetting me. I'm very delicate.

Melanie Avila said...

Robin, why do I get so excited that I keep upsetting you? :P

I'm THIS CLOSE to being done. I'll be sending it in the morning.

WendyCinNYC said...

Nice job, Melanie. I could really feel her tension.

Nadine said...

Wonderful job!! So powerful! You go girl!!